McBride, a gay black man, went on to describe a few of hispersonal interactions out in the world. At a party in West Hollywood, he oncewas cruised heavily by a young white guy, and the two began a flirtatiousritual that seemed destined to end in hot steamy sex. But "two minutesinto our conversation," McBride wrote, "he threw me for a loop withhis declaration that he and his friends were 'out looking for black guystonight.'"

"To his mind, he and his friends were out to give thegift of whiteness to a few fortunate black gay male souls," wrote McBride."É I hated him in that moment. I hated the set of assumptions that made itpossible for him to imagine that this statement was something he could say tome in this way. I hated not being able to injure him in the same way."

McBride's essay was an uncomfortable read for the roughlydozen members of "Sex Pol" - the late Eric Rofes's sexualpolitics discussion group - who had gathered in July for their monthlymeeting, this time to tackle the subject of race-based desire and exclusion.

It wasn't that those in attendance didn't try to beanti-racist in their everyday lives; many, in fact, understood tokenism and theexotification of minority groups to be problematic.

But when it came to personal erotic tastes, theself-identified sexually liberated Sex Pol group was hesitant to be critical.In a very real sense, some maintained, all sexual desire involved narrative andpower play. Even the fact that particular preferences may be considered"wrong" would of course also lend itself to being hot.

But many people are not aware of such complex roots ofdesire, argued others. The phrase, "sorry, just a preference," forinstance, dominates the world of online personals when it comes to racial andbody type exclusions, an unexamined statement that potentially damages andfurther allows groups in power to define the sexuality of minorities.

Trevor Hoppe, the group member assigned to present thatmonth, said he chose the topic because he had observed his own and hiscommunity's patterns while operating in the sexual marketplace, and wanted toengage in his sexual transactions in a responsible manner as a white gay man.

Having grown up in North Carolina where he "experiencedbeing gay mostly filtered through the Internet," Hoppe later told the BayArea Reporter, he has watched online datingtransition from an outlet to connect with the world to a space to post"very specific wants É which I think can be a good thing, but my concernis that it has the potential to pigeonhole people."

"A lot of the time the [desires] are expressed in termsof race, with people making assumptions about what other people's sexualityshould look like. Race certainly plays a part in that process," said Hoppe. "What Ithink happens is that white people get to create whatever kind of sexualitythey want to create. There's no stereotype that goes with what it takes to be awhite gay man; nothing that is specific to being white. But there's an Asianstereotype to be a bottom and to please 'the white man,' and there's a wholeculture that goes with that. And there's a black man stereotype, with thepredominant understanding of what it means to be black defined as a hyper-sexual,ubermasculine being."

"There's a possibility that every time a person ofcolor goes online he could see something that says 'no Asians,'" saidHoppe. "White people cannot know how that feels."

Similarly, many people believe that a sexual desire towardoften-marginalized characteristics such as race, disability, or transsexualhistory isn't a compliment, but rather, comes from an offensive place of beingcompelled to dehumanize and "other" certain bodies and cultures bydistinguishing them from the norm. The fact that the marketplace even hasterminology for so-called chubby chasers and rice queens might say more about thediscomfort people have with those desires than about the preferencesthemselves.

Not all sexual preferences are fetishes. In fact, ratherthan desire, an offensive fetish is more likely to be stem from the same fearthat drives sexual rejection, noted writer and artist Midori, who runs the Website www.fetishdiva.com and is theauthor of several books, including Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink.

In her regular column at www.eroszine.com ,Midori recently noted that many social movements, as they gain visibility,simultaneously arouse fear and sexual desire.

"Changes in the social fabric, the implications ofnon-permanence, make people nervous, uncomfortable, and possibly fearful. Peoplefind various outlets to deal with and vent this discomfort, channeling thenervous energy," she wrote. "Some choose to hate the people whorepresent the forces of change. Others become hypersensitive supporters of theagitating minority, sometimes with a genuine wish for positive social change,at other times as a way to assuage internal prejudice or guilt. Somesubconsciously channel this energy into sexual curiosity, reducing the objectof anxiety into a simultaneously fearsome yet controllable fetish icon."

As an Asian American who frequently encounters what issometimes called "yellow fever," she draws the line at desires thatdehumanize people and treat stereotypes as truth rather than something to playwith and challenge.

"It is offensive when you deny me my complexity. It isnaughty if you celebrate my complexity, but along with me, do role-play,"she said. She may at various times choose to exercise her inner geisha orManchurian prison guard, she said, but it is a conscious act.

"A fetishist who is not self-aware is reallyobnoxious," she said. "Do I play up the stereotypes the greater worldputs on me? Yes, but only with a person who understands that it's a bigfriggin' joke."

Often at stake with over-examination and politicization isthe raw sexual energy that many people enjoy harnessing within a relativelyquick turnaround time, noted local leatherman Rod Wood, Northern California Mr.Drummer 2000.

It's a given in the leather community that just abouteverything means something different to everyone is a given in the leathercommunity, said Wood, with leather itself meaning everything from attire tohyper-masculinity to fulltime relationship roles.

Though he acknowledges that much of the leather sex sceneinvolves an exchange of power, he also said, "I kind of hate to use thatterm" given that it feels too much likeprocessing, and not how he sees male sexuality play out.

"I have never found that to be a strong basis forrelationships between men who negotiate who is doing what. In my experience aman can walk into a room and spot the one he's probably compatible with, andhave a pretty good idea of what that person wants to do with them," hesaid, adding that "negotiating the finer points" and talking aboutroles has a strong place in the community, but rarely is discussed during thecruising stage itself.

As for sexual practices that don't get him off, or that heisn't intimately familiar with, Wood tends to allow his fellow communitymembers to define their own boundaries without his passing judgment, he said.He has been present at demonstrations for piercings, which is not something hewould want to participate in, and also has concerns about in terms of potentialblood exposure and HIV risk. But it was "two adults participating in anactivity that was consensual," he said, and he generally does not think itis any of his business what one's HIV status is"unless a friend was going to go home with someone and I would want themto know to play safe." Similarly he has known people who engage instrangulation and choke play, and he believes they have a responsibility toalso learn CPR so that they can engage in the activity more safely.

But Wood sees little harm in consensual race play or otherfetishes; adding that a black friend of his has beencriticized for his "slave" sexuality, but that the friend has madethe choice himself, "which can be empowering in having the freedom to bewhat he wants to be."

"For me, I tend to believe, it's all good unless provenotherwise," she said. "When I am uncomfortable with someone'sdesires, I at least try my best to check myself and say, 'Why do they enjoythat and why am I uncomfortable with that they are doing?'"

"There are many self aware people that are actuallyplaying with the taboo fantasy. Consciously playing with things like race mayactually be a way of engaging in their own rituals of coming to terms withtheir humanity or playing ritually in the place of the heart of darkness ofbeing human. And if you acknowledge the beast inside of you, it issignificantly less likely that you will be the person who blows up on occasionwith some expression of racism or sexism," she said. "I don't think[acknowledging those things] reduces the edge of how sexy that play is. It justreduces the power the taboo holds over you. The game is still fun, but theguilt doesn't control you."

"This doesn't have to mean over-processing every singleevent, but it does mean being aware that our actions can have unintendedconsequences. The problem with racism is that it's not one person's problem tosolve - it's our problem as a community to solve," he said. "Isit any surprise when so much of our gay media - porn, magazines, TVshows, etc. - perpetuate a standard of beauty that is white, muscled, andhairless? I think if we go through life without ever challenging how imageslike these might have limited what we see as sexy, then we have really missedout on an opportunity to more fully explore our sexuality."

This is cache, read story here