"The success of a polyamorous relationship is measured by whether or not it makes the people in it happy," Matisse says. "By that yardstick, Cake Boy, you're coming up zero. You're getting nookie off a woman you find boring while you recover from your divorce and look for better options. I don't call this polyamory, I call this opportunism."

Matisse has called you on your bullshit, TMSOC, and I'd like to call Mr. Poly Husband on his. Poly relationships simply don't work or aren't ethical if a primary partner feels abandoned. Healthy poly relationships require clear primary and secondary roles, with primary partners always coming first (so to speak), and any secondary attachments or partners coming in somewhere from a close to a distant second. Mr. Poly Husband's failure to make sure his primary partner feels like she comes first (primary does mean "ranked as most important") leads me to question not just his ability to be poly but his motives as well. As for your motives ...

"You're painting it with a thin veneer of compassion, but come on, guy," Matisse says. "If you want to be a pal to a woman whose husband is temporarily insane with New Relationship Energy, and who is thus feeling abandoned - take her to the movies, don't take her to bed. Her husband may be sprung on someone else at the moment, but at least he's not dumping her for the new shiny thing, whereas you will."

the Romans factor into this, CHS, but here's the swift and brutal opinion: If a coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man who uses coke, then why is this coke-hating sister wasting her time on this trifling, tranny-banging, coke-snorting brother? Either coke is a deal-breaker for you, CHS, or it isn't. If it is, then don't date him. But if this butt-plugging asshole merits an exception - if the lift tickets are balanced out by well-read, witty and sweet - then date him, girl, and stop bitching about it.

I disagree. My brother and I have had separate bad experiences with gay male friends. Both of us are straight, easygoing, and have no problems with queers - our sister is a lesbian. We've found that it's impossible to have a gay friend of the same sex - especially if alcohol is involved. Eventually a pass is made and the friendship ends.

get into someone's pants? Surely no straight man has ever stooped so low! Surely no woman - straight or queer, single or married - has ever had the moves put on her by a straight male friend! Surely!

I'm sorry you and your brother had bad experiences with fag friends, BSB, but it happens. And let's make an effort to keep it in perspective: Hitting on a friend is an asshole move that's been used and abused by gay men, straight men and the odd woman. But not all gay men hit on their straight male friends. I have four very close straight male friends, BSB, and I've never hit on any of them. Why? Because I'm not generally attracted to straight boys, for starters, and not one of them is my type, for enders. As far as my libido is concerned, my straight male friends might as well have vaginas. And when I meet a straight guy who is my type (hey there, Sal!), a friendship is out of the question. Together gay men don't want to be friends with men they find attractive for the same reason together straight men don't want to be friends with women they find attractive. Why torture yourself?

So my advice to straight boys seeking a gay wingman is this: If your prospective wingman only dates, say, muscular Asian dudes, and you're a muscular Asian dude, he's going to hit on you someday. But if your gay wingman only dates, say, hairy muscle daddies, and you're a skinny hairless rocker, your gay wingman is unlikely to ever hit on you.

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