Deciding to take a break is selfish on one level: it forces me to deal with what I like and don't like about myself, rather than trying to placate other people's perceptions. I've been told by people I've dated that I'm alternately "dating my writing" and being "overwhelming." While my first instinct was to even out whatever quirks I have, it's clear that I can't please everyone. I can only be myself, and yes, sometimes I get lost in my laptop and other times I act dorky and gushy, and I'll fill my lover's mailbox with cards and gifts. I've gone over these epithets countless times in my mind, trying to make them more palatable, trying to retrace my steps with these past partners to pinpoint exactly where the relationships, however casual, fell apart. Taking a pause from that pointless cycle of self-recrimination has freed me up to enjoy the people who are in my life, and really pay attention to my friends and family rather than just using them as sounding boards to help fix my issue du jour. I no longer feel as if I have to follow up on every blind-date offer or check out every single guy or girl I meet for his or her dating potential. In other words, I'm looking for someone to enhance my life, not complete it, though the difference is often a tricky one for me to discern.

Choosing to be content on my own, instead of rushing online or to the nearest bar or party to find "the one," has given me space to focus on me. I don't go to the gym to lose weight so that I can impress some stranger (or people like the reader who recently suggested my "baby fat" is the reason I'm single), but because I want to get stronger. I'm also working on things like punctuality, responsibility, being a good friend, and waking up in the morning without berating myself.

None of this means that I have everything figured out. Sometimes I long for hot sex and cuddling, especially when it's only an IM away. That used to be enough for me, but lately, I want more than just the physical. I want someone to curl up next to at night, to share secrets with, to hold hands with at the movies, to be my date at weddings so I don't have to look like a loser. I want someone who I can be myself with, no matter how dorky, needy, or kinky I may be at times. A friend of mine who proposed to his girlfriend last year told me, "When you know, you know." I'm hoping that moment comes for me sooner rather than later, but in the meantime, I'll be enjoying my time off from the drama of dating. After all the mixed signals and bitterness this year has brought me, I'm willing to hold out for something better than guesswork.

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